You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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