I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
