Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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