I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
