Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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