I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
