Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
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How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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