So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
