Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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