I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
