I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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