hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
