I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
