he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
