I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I understand Curling. That high.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
