I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Randomize
