Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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