I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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