Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
