Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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