those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
