FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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