how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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