I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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