I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
