He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
