Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
