im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
