Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
