could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
