her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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