If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
