Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
