i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
