I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
