Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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