Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
