Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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