the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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