it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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