She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
