my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All the doctor said was why
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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