We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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