Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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