I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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