yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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