you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
