She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
