I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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