I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
