On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
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I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
God, I missed his penis.
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