her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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