So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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