I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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