john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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