her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
